On the Unknown Future

>> 29.1.09

You know that feeling?

Standing, with no other thoughts, looking out into the ocean.
That feeling, so ethereal, that something greater surrounds you, and you are paralyzed.
That the expanse you face is about to swallow you in it's deep blue depths.
That sound, as the surf speaks its soft secrets, the blissful joys of life.
That feeling, of warm sand on bare feet, fresh with the smiles of sunshine recently passed.

The corners of my mouth relax into a smile as I reflect on days most recent and the ocean of feelings I've experienced. Times are moving, both in good ways and in hard ways. With all I leave behind, and all that is before me, I feel, once again, like an adolescent wading into the depths of the great sea. Wet sand creeps between my toes, but the sweet sunshine beckons me into the warm waves of joy. It is great to be back in Papa's arms, I hide so frequently, but again and again he cares for me. I don't understand

He tells me "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future."

I know you hear, but have you heard? He tells you too

nate.

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Momento Mori... Carpe Diem!

>> 20.1.09

I am Nathan's worried mind. What if she thinks the wrong thing? What if he sees us? What if I get rejected? What if the police get called? What if it sucks? What if I won't like it? I cover his frazzled brain, skewing decision-making and overloading his thoughts with an overabundance of logic and foresight. Useless ponderings, I calculate every possibility and weigh the costs and benefits. My stock market is of enjoyable endeavours and the possible outcomes or consequences. He gambles occasionally, but more often my calculations pour out of his mouth as annoying "what if"s. Laughing, I turn back to my computer to calculate more bad scenarios.

Worry is such a big deal. Why does it so control me? I hop on the merry-go-round of worry and the longer I think, the faster I go. The faster I go, the less fun I have. Finally, I flop to the ground, exhausted from the violent spinning. Where is the fun? Where is my joy?

Now for a qualifier--worry is not the same as good sense. Being sensible definitely pays off, however, worry is like a good sense merry-go-round spun out of control. The Freudian superego accelerates you beyond the realm of logic and reason and into the void of tiresome fretting. At that point, the playground loses its fun and you lie in the mulch, watching the trees spinning above.

As risk-reward analysis goes, I have lost perspective. What constitutes reward for me is not necessarily correlating to my concept of risk. Risk for me ranges from risking my reputation, my image, to risking my grade. Not too heavy. That is where my problem lies--my little box of safety is not rocking the boat, keeping things under control, telling people what they want to hear.

Thinking back on recent breaches of my bubble wrap layers, I put mayonaise on a kid's car handle at school. I'm a terrible person, I know. As I watched him slide his hand into the greasy egg-based condiment, my stomach dropped, and my mind began to run scenarios in which my car was covered in flour, or my windshield was smeared with peanut butter. It was then that I stopped. I kept quiet behind the bush in which I hid. I didn't run in nervous fright, but I sat and savored the joy of rocking the boat.

I am not giving a sublime message for all to unleash the inner miscreant. Vandalism is not the solution. Most days, the remedy to my worry is to relax. I don't need to seek some perfect activity to heal my condition, but I must spend time listening to Papa, remembering all that he has brought me through, and filling my heart with the hope of a life in Him--playing a role in His redemptive story. Life brings joy everday, and it is all about seeing the cold milk in our glass, and savoring our friendships.

Remember you will die... Seize the Day!

nate.

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addicted.

>> 12.1.09

Hi, my name is Nathan (hi nathan..), and I'm addicted to music.

When I was 7 or 8 years old, I first tried it. I started with easy things, not too much weight. Back in the day, K-LOVE was the majority of what I listened to. Yes, K-LOVE, and the 10 songs that they play over and over again. I loved it. Avalon, Point of Grace, Plus One (the christian substitute for boy bands), Third Day, and many more were the joys of my early childhood. To this day, I could sing lyrics to most Avalon songs, and I can still hear the incredible harmonies. Entering middle school, my musical taste began to shift to heavier more addictive forms. To get my daily fixes, I turned to gradually more "edgy" styles of music for the time. I still can remember how mature I felt going into the Christian bookstore (ha) and purchasing the Skillet CD, Collide (which I still love), and I remember being embarrassed to let my family hear the grating guitars and the pounding drums.

Though Skillet was definitely big, no one was, has, or probably will be as influential as Relient K has been to my musical development. It is fairly embarrassing to my now hopefully-cultured musical taste to reflect on the roots to my musical selections, but hey, it's what I liked. As a qualifier, I'm not talking about Relient K being uncultured. By no means. I love them. Really. I have every album that they have (and all the EPs), but its really sweet that I've actually bought all except for the first when they actually came out. I got to see them mature, right along with me. As with Avalon, I know every Relient K song lyrics; just ask anyone who knows me. Right about when the Anatomy of the Tongue in Cheek came out (6th grade-ish), I got a drumset. Starting by jamming at my friend's house occasionally, I began to learn the ways of the skin set, and I have never looked back. Until now that is. After getting my drumset, I spent the next year annoying the daylights out of my family and keeping my neighbors up at un-godly hours of the night. Yea... sorry. I started playing along to songs, a lot of Relient K and Skillet, and that is about the time that my musical taste really began to evolve.

Middle school was my great expedition into the world of secular music. Whole new genres opened up and I found tons of new music. Linkin Park (another quality group...) was definitely a great new addition, and many others came along. I started to discover heavier and heavier types of music. My first heavy bands were definitely Dead Poetic and Demon Hunter, both good solid christian groups, but to this day I still listen to both (Demon Hunter only occasionally ha). At that point, I thought Underoath was a bit grating. Oh, how far I've come. Along with these bands, I started listening to Living Sacrifice, my first truly "metal" band. They are pretty intense, and to this day, they are probably one of the heaviest bands that I listen to. It really suprises me to think how much I liked them when I first heard them. My afternoons during middle school were comprised of hours spent on purevolume.com, an online music site. There I discovered Tooth and Nail Records and Solid State Records, still my two favorite recording groups.

To put aside my hardcore aspiritions for a moment, I also began to become personally very involved in music. I loved concert band. Since the 5th grade, I played trombone, then I learned the euphonium (google it), and eventually in high school, I played the Tuba!. Outside of school, I began to play drums for a worship band at church with Deej, Spence, RJ, Christian, and Staci (for like 2 seconds). Luke Mitchell started us playing together and we loved hanging out, jamming, and playing worship. As middle schoolers, we were not too bad. I'm certain that we definitely overrated ourselves for how good we really are. Again, I've come a long way. As a short aside, I tried to sing Sadie Hawkins dance in 7th grade, since I was the only one who knew all of the lyrics. Needless to say, they still make fun of my for it, and it scarred my singing abilities for years. Singing is definitely not my gift, but I have, again, come a long way, and I can now sing adequately. We played worship for the middle school and this was definitely where I began to feel the pull towards music.

My addiction was now unbreakable. Between school, home, and church, I was always immersed in music. Back to my personal music, I have always had a unique musical taste, and middle school was no exception. At any moment, I could be listening to my christian classics (Relient K, and the likes), my newly-discovered hardcore music, classical music, or classic funk (Oh, Earth, Wind, & Fire is so amazing). In general, however, I definitely was leaning towards metal and hardcore. During my freshman year, I began to listen to tons of new music. Recently discovered were The Showdown, Underoath, Chiodos, and along with others I became more inclined towards heavier music. Another prominent group who I have neglected to mention is P.O.D. They have done much to shape my music as well, for better or for worse (ha). It does well, however, to mention that during my freshman year I saw Aerosmith play with Lenny Kravitz, if that says anything for how weird my musical taste was. During my sophomore year, my hair started getting long (ugh..), and I started going to shows. The hardcore scene, especially the OFY shows, became the focus of my musical, and much of my social life.

Strangely enough, much of what I listened to was not hardcore. I developed, mostly through my Dad, a love for Jazz and soul music, especially listening to Tower of Power, the W's, and other ska like the O.C. Supertones. For smooth jazz, we had the 101.1 Talk FM Smooth Jazz weekend (its your time....) where I discovered the joy and beauty of jazz music. Jeff Lorber and Dave Brubeck are only two examples of the wonderful genre in which I often find myself today. Through high school, I have played in the Jazz band every Wednesday after school. After learning the ins-and-outs of Jazz, I began to play improve solos, and now I have become one of the cornerstones for our Jazz Band. It's incredible to see how far I've come.

Back to the hardcore scene, Mitchell and J.P. introduced me to shows, and I had lots of fun hanging out, being with musicians, but most importantly--dancing. Hardcore dancing cannot be described in words; if you really want to know what it is, ask J.P. sometime. It is hilarious to watch, but it is suprisingly fun, and is a great way to feel like you are actually awesome (I definitely was not ha). Being on the outside of the scene, I began to play more frequently with our church band, and we were definitely improving. We began to play some stuff outside of church just for fun, and we wrote some songs. I spent many Saturdays and Thursdays in the High School room disturbing the peace, playing lazer tag, eating someone else's ice-cream, and who knows what else. Those were definitely good times and we all developed a lot as musicians.

Due to various issues and changes within worship at the Core, I now play as part of the worship team, not as part of a specific band. It's been fun more recently to play a lot more percussion and make use of my music theory more than just playing in a band. I knew all those years of concert band would pay off eventually. But, I digress. To fast forward to today, my musical taste has gone through many changes, additions, and all sorts of evolutions. I have gone through harcore phases, jazz phases, classical phases, punk/pop phases, jam band phases, reggae phases, hip-hop phases, indie phases, and even more. I could talk about music for hours, and I have spent enough time discussing my addiction, and I'm sure you're tired of it. As music began to take over my life, I sat back and basked in the wonders of music. It is God's gift to me, and one of the ways I best worship and hear from him. I am, however, hopelessly addicted. But, I see no end to it anytime soon. That's perfectly fine with me. Thanks for listening.

nate.

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A Warning.

>> 7.1.09

Rushing water surrounds you. Caught in a torrent of indefatigable power, your paddle slices the water into thin strips of turbulence. Pressing forward, you heed no counsel; you hear no cries. The thrill of the chase, a look on the face, a stop is out of place; and you bumble on. By this time, any resistance is useless, the water takes you away, pushing towards the end--your end. You heard the cries, but paid no heed till the end is near. Crushed canoes, abandoned kayaks; the sides of the river are littered with the remains; but it is too late. Glancing down into the swirling depths, broken paddles jut from broken rock. Then you hear it, that solemn sound. The snarling river is now accompanied with a soft purr, which becomes a sneering growl, erupting into the full roar of your nearing end. The raging river flees in a rash departure, jumping to its death in the pooling depths of the waterfall. Listen to the signs. Heed the warnings. Observe previous failures. Don't rush into relationships. Let your friendship be gilded with the finest gold, bar your romantic tendencies from taking rule. One after another rushes down stream, picking up speed, only to fall yet again, another couple fizzling out like a dying sparkler. Be wary, take heed, enjoy your friends for who they are.

nate.

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A Giant Crane, Sky-Born

>> 5.1.09

I am surrounded by a giant hug
invisible arms stretch around my existence
they protect and comfort me in my fears
invisible walls, they form a fortress in which I suddenly find myself
when worry threatens, or when troubles sneer and glare
A giant crane, sky-born and always at the ready, holds my walls
These walls built from the soft-spoken warfare of young and old
Skirmishes in kitchens and recliners, against the great darkness;
a nebulous presence of deception and depression
Soupy fog descends on my countenance,
the giant crane, sky-born, releases
there is no giant crash
simply no worries
total peace


I partake of the peace that passes understanding


Thank you to all who have battled and fought for me. I felt the peace of God today during my interviews and it was only through you all. Friends and family alike, I am so thankful for your prayers and your thoughts as I continue to seek my part in God's story

nate.

"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16

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...And On We Go

>> 2.1.09

How quickly time passes. Another day, another year, and yet they feel the same--2008 passes like another day marked only by drunk drivers and a giant ball. But yet, it is another day and the dark is fleeing from the sun's stampede and the horizon is brightening with all of the new opportunities and the excitement of college. This year in review cannot be described succinctly. Hours would be needed to relay how much I've learned and grown this year in so many ways. No year has ever been more difficult, more exiting, and more filled with God's invisible grace. His guidance is visible not in his blessings, though they have come, but in my struggles and afflictions. How much have I strayed? My year has been one of searching. So many new friendships have come and gone; new relationships have emerged and old ones have faded or left for college. My relationships have changed as I ventured into the world of women and opened my heart, and subsequently, I learned much.

Thankfully, my experiences were not all bad, giving me a little more insight and hopefully little kernels of wisdom. Relationships do not always have to end poorly, as I have won a dearly exquisite friendship, though the price to the end was steep. This year has been filled with unsuccessful experiences, but aren't we all the sum of our experience? My failures and shortcomings, slowly growing in number, have come together to create who I am today, a new person with a new perspective. If I could start the year over, rewind the tape back to January 1, 2008, how many things would I change! How painful has it been to be the clay in Papa's hands. In order to be molded, I must first be pounded into a softer material easier to mold to His purpose. I definitely have not enjoyed the ways in which he has softened me and pulled off my armor, but I am learning to embrace his oftentimes bold corrections. Friends are another whole topic that I could spend hours talking about, but this year has definitely also been searching in that arena. In a sea of my shifting priorities and venues, I have spent time with so many different people this year, and have enjoyed the unique friendships.

Searching in relationships, searching amongst friendships, I have also been searching for purpose. Applying to college, I spent a lot of time reflecting on my achievements, my activities, and my passions, trying to pull meaning from the experiences that have formed me. More and more, having a passion for learning, along with a love of religion, English, and philosophy, I see myself teaching or being a part of an institute of higher education. I always knew I was a little different, seeing as though I enjoy school to some degree, and now it seems as though I may end up being in school permanently. Most of all, beyond human relationships, purpose, and dreams, I could not begin to tell you, concisely, where the Great Lover has taken me this year. If someone had told me last New Years all of the things that I would go through this year, I would've trembled in fear. He has shown me the wonders of His Words and the beauty of His grace, but He has also humbled me with the depths of my own human corruption. I can't go into details, as I feel it is a better conversation for face-to-face, for God has worked wonders in my life this year. If you are interested, I would love to talk to you about it. A simple blog post explanation could not do justice to the relational roller coaster on which I have traveled with Papa. He holds my hand tightly while we walk together, and He catches my hand many times as I try to let go and cling to other loves. Women, wakeboarding, success, fear of failure, and so many more; I turn my face from His and I stretch towards these frail objects of little significance. He is relentless, and for that I praise him greatly, for who is like our God? That he would love me so indiscriminately, that he would take on himself everything I would ever do in disobedience to him, is so much more love than I can offer in return. But yet, he still loves me. HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD! No words can speak of His love greater than his Words, especially Psalm 136:

"Give thanks to the Lord,
His love endures forever!! (1)

to Him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever!! (4)

to the One who remembered us in our low estate,
His love endures forever!!!!!!" (23)


"Oh Lord, You have searched me and know me." (Psalm 139) And yet, he still loves me. That is beyond my comprehension. So as I end this brief tribute to a closing year, I cannot refrain from expressing my uncontainable joy in my Great Lover. My heart right now is grinning wide with the love of the Father, and I smile externally as I write this, for we do have a great God, who is to be praised for all he does. I cannot hold it in.

Happy New Year

nate.

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