Vanished.

For month's now, I have been searching for something that I lost. Mid-summer, it seemed to have walked off and left me for some other home, probably one superior. A warmer exterior, maybe more inviting, definitely more interesting, my Loss was probably searching for something unique. Some say adventure and risk call these things away from loved ones and from warmth. The anticipation of freedom and the possibility of hazards are far more enticing than my normal, traditional existence. Though I searched, it was to no avail. Days passed with no great luck, and the void in my being was not filled--no, it widened. I looked across Greensboro, but my item had since skipped town. Off to New York, I heard from it no more, the void grew to consume me and my emotions turned to sadness. Quickly, the feeling of loss mutated from sorrow into rage, and into a righteous anger at the callous heartlessness of my Loss. Oh, the audacity! Leaving me so lonely and broken, holding only the remains of my shattered heart. Shards of emotion lay devastated in my palms, the only remains of my so carefully opened heart. I trusted my Loss, I trusted so much. The many hours spent talking, eating, laughing, being merry, are now nothing more than dust crumbling through my fingers off of the cracked pieces of my heart. My heart, so gradually and carefully given to her, was smashed onto the rocks of disdain.

It could not end there, so hopelessly broken. My Loss, not so far away, began to return. Hoping for renewal, ready with forgiveness, I ran to embrace my Loss, and we were together once more. It was truly wonderful--laughing, talking, and sharing our emotions once again. So blindly did I run back again, sprinting gleefully towards the cliff from which I was to fall, once again deceived. I have asked myself, was it genuine? Did my Loss really want reconciliation. We can never know intentions, but once again I was thrust into a world of loss and distrust. For long now, I have been bitter. Many times, my mouth has opened with curses and jokes towards my Loss. How can I have been so unloving? Those who know me probably know the Loss, and the way that I speak of her. I am so guilty. I have been wronged, there is no doubt, but how can I be so unloving? Jokes and insults are much closer in my mind than words of warmth or kindness. I am quick to speak, and quick to anger, both the antonyms of love. For those who understand, I apologize to you for the times I have spoken ill of her. She is Papa's beloved and for that alone, I have no right to demean or insult his beautiful creation. Undoubtedly, more jokes will slip out, but I pray that the pure water of His forgiveness will begin to cleanse me of my petty grudges. Clean me of my impurities and my faults, and forgive me, for I have sinned against your beloved.


"He who restrains his words has knowledge, And he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding." Proverbs 17:27

nate.