From Him, Through Him, to Him

>> 28.10.09

God's great universe, all made by Him, through Him and, for Him. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." (John 1:1). As most anyone would readily admit, something can't come from nothing, so all that exists must come from something. God's act of creation is not even necessarily reduced to His power to overcome the Laws of Nature, through He is most surely capable. Instead, God's great essence of truth acts out of his blessed consistency to create the world out of something--but what? What else could've existed with God except God? A better question might be to ask "Who?" as another was present. In the beginning was the Word; the Living Word of God is Christ, given for us. To modify Romans 11:36 by using the Word for Jesus, for from the Word, and through the Word and to Him are all things. It is no accident that the World was created by the spoken word of God. Jesus is both the origin of all that exists in this Earth, but he is the purpose, the telos, the end which every action and thing points towards. All is for him, but all is also created by Him, through his dynamic, self-existence.

"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways!
For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who became his counselor?
To Him be the glory forever. Amen."

nate.

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Grad

>> 5.6.09

Wow.

I am no longer a high schooler. I don't quite know what to feel, or how to describe what I am feeling. Bittersweet might be accurate, but that's not quite right. 13 years at my beloved alma-mater have left me even longing for change. 4 years with many different friends have left me longing for more of the same. I'm definitely an imposter--smiling for the pictures, schmoozing with parents and teachers. I haven't really feel like a graduate yet, but the small piece of parchment says otherwise.

Today, however, was the culmination of graduation, showing me how I made it this far. Everyone has played a significant role, big or small. Gathering today helped me to have closure, celebrating the end of a journey with my mentors, my friends, and my family.

Teachers who have been sometimes my task masters, always my advocates, and always my friends

Friends who have been so much more than the title can describe.

Family members who have given me a tradition of faithfulness to challenge and encourage me.

Thanks for celebrating with me today. It fills me with joy. I wouldn't have it any other way. I am now ready for the next phase.

I have now officially graduated.

nate.

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Salty Grave

>> 28.4.09

Why do some days just suck? Who knows. Somehow, the perversity of life seems to heap one misfortune after another, until my head protrudes from a pile of garbage and un-wanted mess.

It's that day;
That day when you don't hear the alarm until maximum volume about five minutes late,
That day when nothing important seems to happen,
That day when none of your baseballs seem to travel where you intended,
That day when your baseball coach hits you in the head with a baseball.

It's that day, when I retreat into my shell and hunker down until Life's blows subside. When I await the moment that he puts away his boxing gloves, when I can regroup in my safe place.

It's that day when you just want to go to sleep earlier so the day will end, and tomorrow will start anew.

God, give me the faith to praise you as I drown. As I flounder in Life's trash can, I want the kind of faith that won't scream in anger, or throw baseball equipment, or even find other ways of releasing agony and frustration. A faith that will instead take my frustrations and my emotions, and nail them to the cross with Jesus--a place where He takes them on himself. Though I may or may not still feel the feelings, my spirit will be enabled by His spirit so that I can praise Him. That day was not today, but I pray for an ever-increasing outpouring of His spirit.


"There is something to say
About being desperate, down and low
Giving a chance to see what it all can mean
There is something to say
About being desperate, down and low

Upon my arrival, I either learn to swim or drown
As I struggle for air I see only water
And I reach for anything as I cry for help
I feel my body growing week slipping away,
It occurs to me that my cries are worthless
Acknowledging death, I no longer mourn my own loss
And begin to sing praises to the one that has me here
As I sink to my salty grave I drown
No hand to reach for, no ear to listen

Let it be a sweet sound, sweet sound… In your ear

Up to the light I will sing praises; surely we will all die
Up to the light I will sing praises because surely we will all die"

"Salty Grave"

nate.

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That Nature is a Heraclitean Fire and of the Comfort of the Resurrection

>> 9.4.09

Driving home from church tonight, I saw a beautiful sight. Just above the sharp outline of leaf-less tree branches, a large, red moon stared back at me, almost perfectly mirroring the pensive mood with which I left our service tonight. Holy week, as this week before Easter is often called, is quite an emotional week. With two baseball games, the looming shadow of exams, and the soon end of school, the "Easter feeling" has had an unusually small role in my week. In the busyness of my recent life, autopilot kicked in, and Easter has taken a backseat. Tonight, as I sat in our Maundy Thursday service, I began to think about the events leading up to what we call Easter.

Think of the disciples, what would they be doing right now? (Thursday night at about 10:30). Tonight is the night of the Last Supper, and Jesus knew he was to be crucified--brutally slaughtered in one of the most gruesome deaths possible. How could anyone be joyful, or even consider stooping to wash the feet of his followers.

He did.

Being fully God and fully man, Jesus could've stopped it all. Angels, cherubs, the weather, and anything else imaginable was at his command, and yet he suffered. Who, in anticipation of this horrid death, would pray, "Not my will, but yours be done"?

He did.

Whose purpose was so entangled with God's that he was willing to be simultaneously guilty of all sins of the world and separated from God, his father, his ultimate joy and comfort?

I know mine is not. But that is the whole point of Easter: We can't. We cannot do what Jesus did. That is the message of Good Friday. He took our punishment for everything we ever will do and in doing that, he paid the price we are unable to pay. He defeated death so that we can spend eternity glorifying and enjoying God. We cannot be Jesus. He lived a perfect life; I am imperfect everyday. It is, however, his death that frees us from the chains that bind. Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow. Through his horrible death, we, as Christians, now own a power over sin, over death. We are no longer slaves to sin! We are now able to chose to not sin! We are free! We are not "in Adam", our identity is not in man, but instead, we are "in Christ"! We have a new spirit, a spirit that has the power to satisfy our deepest longings, the power to break free of sin, and, most importantly, the power to become more like Christ. We now become "children of God", heirs to his kingdom. Now we have victory over the systems of this world. We are now able to claim victory, through Jesus, against many things.

Satan tempts me frequently and I fail. Jesus is Risen!!
I am addicted to weed and cigarettes. Jesus is Risen!!
I am full of pride. Jesus is Risen!!
My parents are divorced. Jesus is Risen!!
My life is full of pain and suffering Jesus is Risen!!

Claim the power that we are given through His death and resurrection! Christ went down and whooped the devil for three days, then He came back to life, declaring victory over Death itself. We have this power, through His spirit in us. By taking hold of his power, we not only break sin and temptation, but we have the power to love without bounds and to have the same agape as God! We have an awesome God, take hold of his power and own it!

nate.


Love's as warm as tears,
Love is tears:
Pressure within the brain,
Tension at the throat,
Deluge, weeks of rain,
Haystacks afloat,
Featureless seas between
Hedges, where once was green

Love's as fierce as fire, 

Love is fire:
All sorts--Infernal heat
Clinkered with greed and pride, 

Lyric desire, sharp-sweet,
Laughing, even when denied, 

And that empyreal flame 

Whence all loves came. 


Love's as fresh as spring,
Love is spring:
Bird-song in the air,
Cool smells in a wood,
Whispering "Dare! Dare!"
To sap, to blood,
Telling "Ease, safety, rest,
Are good; not best."

Love's as hard as nails,
Love is nails: 

Blunt, thick, hammered through 

The medial nerves of One 

Who, having made us, knew 

The thing He had done,
Seeing (what all that is)
Our cross, and His. 


C.S. Lewis - LOVE'S AS WARM AS TEARS

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Who are you?

>> 9.3.09

My alarm clock rips me from a peaceful sleep as another day begins. After a shower and some breakfast, my sister and I then make the rush to the car and the sometimes frantic effort to be on time. The music takes my mind off any other thoughts, and dropping off my sister I mindlessly slip into these very welcoming red seats for another morning assembly. After a day of continuous class, from one tile floor to another, guided by the ever-present florescent lights to another 45 minutes of quality education. As the minute hand swings to mark the end of school, I hop into my car and turn up the music for the 2 minute ride up to baseball. Baseball ends and I move into a second round of school through my homework, filling my brain with noises, numbers, and over forms of sensory noise. Why is it that we cram our schedules with meeting after meeting? Practice after practice? Sound after sound?


If I may, I ask you to take a minute to reflect the past month. What was your favorite activity? At which point in time did you most enjoy your life over the past few weeks? What is the one thing that most excited and enlivened your personality and your intellect? Was it your alarm clock? Was it the countless lunch meetings you are involved in? Was it the constant stream of noise, both audible and visual, filling your perception? To answer for myself, the noise and hurry of my life is by no means my favorite activity, but somehow.. it manages to organize a usurpation of my diversions and educational joys. In the rush of my school life, time and time again I lose sight of who I am.


Know Who You Are!


It is essential, for our development as individuals of dreams and ambitions, to recognize what we are meant to do! Though I say this easily, I cannot say what I will be doing in 5 years, or even what my college major will be. It is very important, however, not necessarily to have specific ideas of what we will be doing, but instead to know ourselves.


Know Who You Are!


High school is often characterized as a time of maturation (hopefully) and of self-discovery. The activities which one pursues define “Committing yourself is a way of finding out who you are. A man finds his identity by identifying.” In that, we find out the things that we love to do, the activities that really ignite our passion and intellect. Sophomore year, when a younger Nathan Tilley walked into Mr. Zuraws room, he had no idea how much Moot Court would come to mean in his life. Additionally, when I decided sophomore year to move ahead to junior AP English with Mr. Moore, I wouldn’t have dreamed of how that decision has shaped my love for writing and for literature. Each of these activities played a key role in determining who I am, what I enjoy doing, and what I want to do in the future. Abraham Maslow said, “A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be.”


Know Who You Are!


Realizing who you are is essential to not only your happiness, but your success. Your identity and your success go hand in hand. Many people sacrifice their identities by not doing what they really want to do. And that's why they're not successful. Your identity and your success go hand in hand. Many people sacrifice their identities by not doing what they really want to do. And that's why they're not successful. Your identity and your success go hand in hand. Many people sacrifice their identities by not doing what they really want to do. And that's why they're not successful. Your identity and your success go hand in hand. Many people sacrifice their identities by not doing what they really want to do. And that's why they're not successful. Your identity and your success go hand in hand. Many people sacrifice their identities by not doing what they really want to do. And that's why they're not successful.


It is not the things that we do that define our purpose and our existence, but instead, it is the way we treat others and the way that we chose to live our lives.


Know Who You Are!

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God is good!

>> 8.3.09

I haven't written anything in forever! Things have been crazy, but really awesome at the same time. I will write something soon, but in the meantime all I have to say is this:

God is good! All the time! His love endures forever!!!

nate.

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Isolation

>> 18.2.09

YES: in the sea of life enisled,
With echoing straits between us thrown.
Dotting the shoreless watery wild,
We mortal millions live alone.
The islands feel the enclasping flow,
And then their endless bounds they know.

But when the moon their hollows lights,
And they are swept by balms of spring,
And in their glens, on starry nights,
The nightingales divinely sing;
And lovely notes, from shore to shore,
Across the sounds and channels pour;

O then a longing like despair
Is to their farthest caverns sent!
For surely once, they feel, we were
Parts of a single continent.
Now round us spreads the watery plain—
O might our marges meet again!

Who order'd that their longing's fire
Should be, as soon as kindled, cool'd?
Who renders vain their deep desire?—
A God, a God their severance ruled;
And bade betwixt their shores to be
The unplumb'd, salt, estranging sea.

To Marguerite; by Matthew Arnold

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On The Human Intellect

>> 15.2.09

With respect to intellectual achievement, many in history had great knowledge. Their cerebral passages were filled with infallible logic and countless files of information. The understanding, to which they clung, however, was of their own intellect, based on a self-serving sense of scholastic superiority. Knowledge and human understanding is nothing without a deep-rooted faith in the source of all knowledge. In a Darwinian worldview, how can any man trust his brain, a deceptive product of what he believes to be years of development. The belief that all knowledge comes from within ourselves would be frightening, as evolution might not be complete, so the intellectual tenants to whom we cling may be inaccurate. Within the chaos of human ignorance, God gives us an opportunity to believe in the one who is infallible, one who is omniscient and omnipotent. Faith is having complete trust in the sovereignty of God and this is the foundation to all understanding. Through God’s redemptive work of sanctification, God provides us with the understanding that brings our faith to completion. God’s Word, the Bible, is the key to understanding, but He speaks through history, the arts, the works of men, and many other mediums. Faith is the starting foundation, upon which God fills us with his Spirit and opens our eyes to his wonderful presence in all parts of our human existence.

nate.

Faith Seeking Understanding

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iceberg.

>> 10.2.09

I'm not feeling too profound tonight. Actually, I'm feeling quite tired. The past two weeks have been pretty killer with lots of stuff to work on and too much to do on the weekends. Between our homecoming weekend and going snowboarding, I have missed seeing those whom I enjoy the most up until last weekend, and I am wearing out. School life is picking up. Calculus is hard again, physics is frustrating to the point of anger, and my bedtime has once again shifted back to an average of 12 or 12:30 (no good). Socially, I have had some interesting weekends spending, surprisingly, a lot of time with GDS friends at homecoming festivities. The game was fun and the dance was actually very fun and relaxed, but still, little sleep. The next weekend, after much deliberating over a time to go, I went snowboarding with my cousin and his two sons, both about 10 yrs old. I love snowboarding, and it was a great time riding, but the boys wore me out and I was very tired of talking by the end of the weekend. My weeks have been filled with mindless noise, and I am feeling the weight of it all. As baseball now is starting up, my free time is slowly closing and the light under the doorway is dimming. At Core, the video on silence really hit me hard in the midst of my busyness, even in the context of church events and worship practices. I sat, in silent reflection, and saw all that I pack my life with. Looking over the next two weeks, things are not looking good and I feel like I've become a giant iceberg, slowly floating along, completely unaware of all that his beneath. In my tiredness, I enter survival mode, only moving to get through the next 40 minutes of spanish, or trying to survive the last 20 minutes of batting practice. I'm not sure quite why I wanted to write this out, but I'm not going to provide any happy Bible verse to end this with, that would be untrue of my sentiments. I will just leave you where I am at, waiting for the ice to break.

What is that sound high in the air
Murmur of maternal lamentation
Who are those hooded hordes swarming
Over endless plains, stumbling in cracked earth
Ringed by the flat horizon only
What is the city over the mountains
Cracks and reforms and bursts in violet air
Falling towers
Jerusalem Athens Alexandria
Vienna London
Unreal

A woman drew her long black hair out tight
And fiddled whisper music on those strings
And bats with baby faces in the violet light
Whistled, and beat their wings
And crawled head downward down a blackened wall
And upside down in air were towers
Tolling reminiscent bells, that kept the hours
And voices singing out of empty cisterns and exhausted wells.

In this decayed hole among the mountains,
In the faint moonlight, the grass is singing
Over the tumbled graves, about the chapel
There is the empty chapel, only the wind's home.
It has no windows, and the door swings,
Dry bones can harm no one.
Only a cock stood on the rooftree
Co co rico co co rico
In a flash of lightning. Then a damp gust
Bringing rain
(From T.S. Eliot's "The Wasteland")

nate.

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On the Unknown Future

>> 29.1.09

You know that feeling?

Standing, with no other thoughts, looking out into the ocean.
That feeling, so ethereal, that something greater surrounds you, and you are paralyzed.
That the expanse you face is about to swallow you in it's deep blue depths.
That sound, as the surf speaks its soft secrets, the blissful joys of life.
That feeling, of warm sand on bare feet, fresh with the smiles of sunshine recently passed.

The corners of my mouth relax into a smile as I reflect on days most recent and the ocean of feelings I've experienced. Times are moving, both in good ways and in hard ways. With all I leave behind, and all that is before me, I feel, once again, like an adolescent wading into the depths of the great sea. Wet sand creeps between my toes, but the sweet sunshine beckons me into the warm waves of joy. It is great to be back in Papa's arms, I hide so frequently, but again and again he cares for me. I don't understand

He tells me "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future."

I know you hear, but have you heard? He tells you too

nate.

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Momento Mori... Carpe Diem!

>> 20.1.09

I am Nathan's worried mind. What if she thinks the wrong thing? What if he sees us? What if I get rejected? What if the police get called? What if it sucks? What if I won't like it? I cover his frazzled brain, skewing decision-making and overloading his thoughts with an overabundance of logic and foresight. Useless ponderings, I calculate every possibility and weigh the costs and benefits. My stock market is of enjoyable endeavours and the possible outcomes or consequences. He gambles occasionally, but more often my calculations pour out of his mouth as annoying "what if"s. Laughing, I turn back to my computer to calculate more bad scenarios.

Worry is such a big deal. Why does it so control me? I hop on the merry-go-round of worry and the longer I think, the faster I go. The faster I go, the less fun I have. Finally, I flop to the ground, exhausted from the violent spinning. Where is the fun? Where is my joy?

Now for a qualifier--worry is not the same as good sense. Being sensible definitely pays off, however, worry is like a good sense merry-go-round spun out of control. The Freudian superego accelerates you beyond the realm of logic and reason and into the void of tiresome fretting. At that point, the playground loses its fun and you lie in the mulch, watching the trees spinning above.

As risk-reward analysis goes, I have lost perspective. What constitutes reward for me is not necessarily correlating to my concept of risk. Risk for me ranges from risking my reputation, my image, to risking my grade. Not too heavy. That is where my problem lies--my little box of safety is not rocking the boat, keeping things under control, telling people what they want to hear.

Thinking back on recent breaches of my bubble wrap layers, I put mayonaise on a kid's car handle at school. I'm a terrible person, I know. As I watched him slide his hand into the greasy egg-based condiment, my stomach dropped, and my mind began to run scenarios in which my car was covered in flour, or my windshield was smeared with peanut butter. It was then that I stopped. I kept quiet behind the bush in which I hid. I didn't run in nervous fright, but I sat and savored the joy of rocking the boat.

I am not giving a sublime message for all to unleash the inner miscreant. Vandalism is not the solution. Most days, the remedy to my worry is to relax. I don't need to seek some perfect activity to heal my condition, but I must spend time listening to Papa, remembering all that he has brought me through, and filling my heart with the hope of a life in Him--playing a role in His redemptive story. Life brings joy everday, and it is all about seeing the cold milk in our glass, and savoring our friendships.

Remember you will die... Seize the Day!

nate.

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addicted.

>> 12.1.09

Hi, my name is Nathan (hi nathan..), and I'm addicted to music.

When I was 7 or 8 years old, I first tried it. I started with easy things, not too much weight. Back in the day, K-LOVE was the majority of what I listened to. Yes, K-LOVE, and the 10 songs that they play over and over again. I loved it. Avalon, Point of Grace, Plus One (the christian substitute for boy bands), Third Day, and many more were the joys of my early childhood. To this day, I could sing lyrics to most Avalon songs, and I can still hear the incredible harmonies. Entering middle school, my musical taste began to shift to heavier more addictive forms. To get my daily fixes, I turned to gradually more "edgy" styles of music for the time. I still can remember how mature I felt going into the Christian bookstore (ha) and purchasing the Skillet CD, Collide (which I still love), and I remember being embarrassed to let my family hear the grating guitars and the pounding drums.

Though Skillet was definitely big, no one was, has, or probably will be as influential as Relient K has been to my musical development. It is fairly embarrassing to my now hopefully-cultured musical taste to reflect on the roots to my musical selections, but hey, it's what I liked. As a qualifier, I'm not talking about Relient K being uncultured. By no means. I love them. Really. I have every album that they have (and all the EPs), but its really sweet that I've actually bought all except for the first when they actually came out. I got to see them mature, right along with me. As with Avalon, I know every Relient K song lyrics; just ask anyone who knows me. Right about when the Anatomy of the Tongue in Cheek came out (6th grade-ish), I got a drumset. Starting by jamming at my friend's house occasionally, I began to learn the ways of the skin set, and I have never looked back. Until now that is. After getting my drumset, I spent the next year annoying the daylights out of my family and keeping my neighbors up at un-godly hours of the night. Yea... sorry. I started playing along to songs, a lot of Relient K and Skillet, and that is about the time that my musical taste really began to evolve.

Middle school was my great expedition into the world of secular music. Whole new genres opened up and I found tons of new music. Linkin Park (another quality group...) was definitely a great new addition, and many others came along. I started to discover heavier and heavier types of music. My first heavy bands were definitely Dead Poetic and Demon Hunter, both good solid christian groups, but to this day I still listen to both (Demon Hunter only occasionally ha). At that point, I thought Underoath was a bit grating. Oh, how far I've come. Along with these bands, I started listening to Living Sacrifice, my first truly "metal" band. They are pretty intense, and to this day, they are probably one of the heaviest bands that I listen to. It really suprises me to think how much I liked them when I first heard them. My afternoons during middle school were comprised of hours spent on purevolume.com, an online music site. There I discovered Tooth and Nail Records and Solid State Records, still my two favorite recording groups.

To put aside my hardcore aspiritions for a moment, I also began to become personally very involved in music. I loved concert band. Since the 5th grade, I played trombone, then I learned the euphonium (google it), and eventually in high school, I played the Tuba!. Outside of school, I began to play drums for a worship band at church with Deej, Spence, RJ, Christian, and Staci (for like 2 seconds). Luke Mitchell started us playing together and we loved hanging out, jamming, and playing worship. As middle schoolers, we were not too bad. I'm certain that we definitely overrated ourselves for how good we really are. Again, I've come a long way. As a short aside, I tried to sing Sadie Hawkins dance in 7th grade, since I was the only one who knew all of the lyrics. Needless to say, they still make fun of my for it, and it scarred my singing abilities for years. Singing is definitely not my gift, but I have, again, come a long way, and I can now sing adequately. We played worship for the middle school and this was definitely where I began to feel the pull towards music.

My addiction was now unbreakable. Between school, home, and church, I was always immersed in music. Back to my personal music, I have always had a unique musical taste, and middle school was no exception. At any moment, I could be listening to my christian classics (Relient K, and the likes), my newly-discovered hardcore music, classical music, or classic funk (Oh, Earth, Wind, & Fire is so amazing). In general, however, I definitely was leaning towards metal and hardcore. During my freshman year, I began to listen to tons of new music. Recently discovered were The Showdown, Underoath, Chiodos, and along with others I became more inclined towards heavier music. Another prominent group who I have neglected to mention is P.O.D. They have done much to shape my music as well, for better or for worse (ha). It does well, however, to mention that during my freshman year I saw Aerosmith play with Lenny Kravitz, if that says anything for how weird my musical taste was. During my sophomore year, my hair started getting long (ugh..), and I started going to shows. The hardcore scene, especially the OFY shows, became the focus of my musical, and much of my social life.

Strangely enough, much of what I listened to was not hardcore. I developed, mostly through my Dad, a love for Jazz and soul music, especially listening to Tower of Power, the W's, and other ska like the O.C. Supertones. For smooth jazz, we had the 101.1 Talk FM Smooth Jazz weekend (its your time....) where I discovered the joy and beauty of jazz music. Jeff Lorber and Dave Brubeck are only two examples of the wonderful genre in which I often find myself today. Through high school, I have played in the Jazz band every Wednesday after school. After learning the ins-and-outs of Jazz, I began to play improve solos, and now I have become one of the cornerstones for our Jazz Band. It's incredible to see how far I've come.

Back to the hardcore scene, Mitchell and J.P. introduced me to shows, and I had lots of fun hanging out, being with musicians, but most importantly--dancing. Hardcore dancing cannot be described in words; if you really want to know what it is, ask J.P. sometime. It is hilarious to watch, but it is suprisingly fun, and is a great way to feel like you are actually awesome (I definitely was not ha). Being on the outside of the scene, I began to play more frequently with our church band, and we were definitely improving. We began to play some stuff outside of church just for fun, and we wrote some songs. I spent many Saturdays and Thursdays in the High School room disturbing the peace, playing lazer tag, eating someone else's ice-cream, and who knows what else. Those were definitely good times and we all developed a lot as musicians.

Due to various issues and changes within worship at the Core, I now play as part of the worship team, not as part of a specific band. It's been fun more recently to play a lot more percussion and make use of my music theory more than just playing in a band. I knew all those years of concert band would pay off eventually. But, I digress. To fast forward to today, my musical taste has gone through many changes, additions, and all sorts of evolutions. I have gone through harcore phases, jazz phases, classical phases, punk/pop phases, jam band phases, reggae phases, hip-hop phases, indie phases, and even more. I could talk about music for hours, and I have spent enough time discussing my addiction, and I'm sure you're tired of it. As music began to take over my life, I sat back and basked in the wonders of music. It is God's gift to me, and one of the ways I best worship and hear from him. I am, however, hopelessly addicted. But, I see no end to it anytime soon. That's perfectly fine with me. Thanks for listening.

nate.

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A Warning.

>> 7.1.09

Rushing water surrounds you. Caught in a torrent of indefatigable power, your paddle slices the water into thin strips of turbulence. Pressing forward, you heed no counsel; you hear no cries. The thrill of the chase, a look on the face, a stop is out of place; and you bumble on. By this time, any resistance is useless, the water takes you away, pushing towards the end--your end. You heard the cries, but paid no heed till the end is near. Crushed canoes, abandoned kayaks; the sides of the river are littered with the remains; but it is too late. Glancing down into the swirling depths, broken paddles jut from broken rock. Then you hear it, that solemn sound. The snarling river is now accompanied with a soft purr, which becomes a sneering growl, erupting into the full roar of your nearing end. The raging river flees in a rash departure, jumping to its death in the pooling depths of the waterfall. Listen to the signs. Heed the warnings. Observe previous failures. Don't rush into relationships. Let your friendship be gilded with the finest gold, bar your romantic tendencies from taking rule. One after another rushes down stream, picking up speed, only to fall yet again, another couple fizzling out like a dying sparkler. Be wary, take heed, enjoy your friends for who they are.

nate.

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A Giant Crane, Sky-Born

>> 5.1.09

I am surrounded by a giant hug
invisible arms stretch around my existence
they protect and comfort me in my fears
invisible walls, they form a fortress in which I suddenly find myself
when worry threatens, or when troubles sneer and glare
A giant crane, sky-born and always at the ready, holds my walls
These walls built from the soft-spoken warfare of young and old
Skirmishes in kitchens and recliners, against the great darkness;
a nebulous presence of deception and depression
Soupy fog descends on my countenance,
the giant crane, sky-born, releases
there is no giant crash
simply no worries
total peace


I partake of the peace that passes understanding


Thank you to all who have battled and fought for me. I felt the peace of God today during my interviews and it was only through you all. Friends and family alike, I am so thankful for your prayers and your thoughts as I continue to seek my part in God's story

nate.

"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16

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...And On We Go

>> 2.1.09

How quickly time passes. Another day, another year, and yet they feel the same--2008 passes like another day marked only by drunk drivers and a giant ball. But yet, it is another day and the dark is fleeing from the sun's stampede and the horizon is brightening with all of the new opportunities and the excitement of college. This year in review cannot be described succinctly. Hours would be needed to relay how much I've learned and grown this year in so many ways. No year has ever been more difficult, more exiting, and more filled with God's invisible grace. His guidance is visible not in his blessings, though they have come, but in my struggles and afflictions. How much have I strayed? My year has been one of searching. So many new friendships have come and gone; new relationships have emerged and old ones have faded or left for college. My relationships have changed as I ventured into the world of women and opened my heart, and subsequently, I learned much.

Thankfully, my experiences were not all bad, giving me a little more insight and hopefully little kernels of wisdom. Relationships do not always have to end poorly, as I have won a dearly exquisite friendship, though the price to the end was steep. This year has been filled with unsuccessful experiences, but aren't we all the sum of our experience? My failures and shortcomings, slowly growing in number, have come together to create who I am today, a new person with a new perspective. If I could start the year over, rewind the tape back to January 1, 2008, how many things would I change! How painful has it been to be the clay in Papa's hands. In order to be molded, I must first be pounded into a softer material easier to mold to His purpose. I definitely have not enjoyed the ways in which he has softened me and pulled off my armor, but I am learning to embrace his oftentimes bold corrections. Friends are another whole topic that I could spend hours talking about, but this year has definitely also been searching in that arena. In a sea of my shifting priorities and venues, I have spent time with so many different people this year, and have enjoyed the unique friendships.

Searching in relationships, searching amongst friendships, I have also been searching for purpose. Applying to college, I spent a lot of time reflecting on my achievements, my activities, and my passions, trying to pull meaning from the experiences that have formed me. More and more, having a passion for learning, along with a love of religion, English, and philosophy, I see myself teaching or being a part of an institute of higher education. I always knew I was a little different, seeing as though I enjoy school to some degree, and now it seems as though I may end up being in school permanently. Most of all, beyond human relationships, purpose, and dreams, I could not begin to tell you, concisely, where the Great Lover has taken me this year. If someone had told me last New Years all of the things that I would go through this year, I would've trembled in fear. He has shown me the wonders of His Words and the beauty of His grace, but He has also humbled me with the depths of my own human corruption. I can't go into details, as I feel it is a better conversation for face-to-face, for God has worked wonders in my life this year. If you are interested, I would love to talk to you about it. A simple blog post explanation could not do justice to the relational roller coaster on which I have traveled with Papa. He holds my hand tightly while we walk together, and He catches my hand many times as I try to let go and cling to other loves. Women, wakeboarding, success, fear of failure, and so many more; I turn my face from His and I stretch towards these frail objects of little significance. He is relentless, and for that I praise him greatly, for who is like our God? That he would love me so indiscriminately, that he would take on himself everything I would ever do in disobedience to him, is so much more love than I can offer in return. But yet, he still loves me. HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD! No words can speak of His love greater than his Words, especially Psalm 136:

"Give thanks to the Lord,
His love endures forever!! (1)

to Him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever!! (4)

to the One who remembered us in our low estate,
His love endures forever!!!!!!" (23)


"Oh Lord, You have searched me and know me." (Psalm 139) And yet, he still loves me. That is beyond my comprehension. So as I end this brief tribute to a closing year, I cannot refrain from expressing my uncontainable joy in my Great Lover. My heart right now is grinning wide with the love of the Father, and I smile externally as I write this, for we do have a great God, who is to be praised for all he does. I cannot hold it in.

Happy New Year

nate.

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